i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found? they may very well be caressing my derriĆ©re with their lacy softness as we speak. | ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak. b. i don’t want them back and c. why? it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash. | i only saw one pair in the hamper. yes you did. |
enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play? | the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks. | except for the fuglies of course. of course, neo greaseboy. |
you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices. borrowed? stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality. | ba-zit! oops. | meanwhile, 0.328 universes away qua-pop! where the fuck am i? |
monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler. wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe? what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented. | i think i’m in the wrong place. here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up. i,... wrong,... place,.. i,.. | do you want to take the corvette or the rx7? snatch i love you honey! |
universe 0.328 are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive? very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler. | and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me. like i know how bad the alternative is maybe. we’re both so lucky. | meanwhile in our universe,.. (sans pants) *sob* so,.. very,.. happy!! |
our universe okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return. bash! | qua-pop! eep! who said that? | no! no! noooooooooo!!! oh no! send me back, send me back!! |
how long has it been since you washed your hair? a couple of months i guess. yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is. | unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense. dead? hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp. | honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’. in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better. which brings me to my next point. |