Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mother was right?! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: fine, i was only kidding.
:Monigue says: damn straight.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: ahhhhh!
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
:Monigue says: oh yeah, that’s it baby.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pinky '
written by
Dan
bang!
:Monigue says from offstage: ow! fuck!!
:Tyler says: problem?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: i just slammed my pinky in the door.
:Tyler says: what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
:Tyler says: oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: finger,. my pinky finger.
:Tyler says: oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
:Monigue says: you’re such a fucking retard.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yesterday however... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ha! makes sense i guess.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
:Monigue says: this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
:Monigue says: i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pretty Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
:Tyler says: they may very well be caressing my derriƩre with their lacy softness as we speak.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
c. why?
:Tyler says: it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i only saw one pair in the hamper.
:Tyler says: yes you did.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Neo Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: except for the fuglies of course.
:Monigue says: of course, neo greaseboy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wormhole '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
:Monigue says: borrowed?
:Tyler says: stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
ba-zit!
:Tyler says: oops.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: where the fuck am i?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
:Monigue says: wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
:Tyler says: what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i think i’m in the wrong place.
:Tyler says: here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
:Monigue says: i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
snatch
:Monigue says from offstage: i love you honey!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 2 '
written by
Dan
universe 0.328
:Tyler says: are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
:Monigue says: very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
:Monigue says: like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
:Tyler says: we’re both so lucky.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
meanwhile in our universe,..

(sans pants)
:Tyler says: *sob*
so,.. very,.. happy!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 3 '
written by
Dan
our universe
:Tyler says from offstage: okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
bash!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: eep!
:Tyler says from offstage: who said that?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no! no! noooooooooo!!!
:Tyler says from offstage: oh no!
:Monigue says: send me back, send me back!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Healthy Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: how long has it been since you washed your hair?
:Tyler says: a couple of months i guess.
:Monigue says: yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
:Monigue says: dead?
:Tyler says: hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
:Tyler says: in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
:Monigue says: which brings me to my next point.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saucy! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
:Tyler says: nah, she blew me off.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the saucy minx.
:Monigue says: in your dreams, monkey boy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Special Java '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
:Monigue says: it’s coffee, cow face.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: there’s coffee in my fly?
:Monigue says: no, a fly in your coffee.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
:Monigue says: nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' What’s up, pussy cat? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know...this coffee tastes weird.
:Tyler says: actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
meeeow!!
:Tyler says from offstage: aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wriggly Wormses '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: weh ith de mouthwath?!
:Monigue says: you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Breathe '
written by
Goatlord
grind
crunch
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
:Tyler says: it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
:Tyler says: service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
:Monigue says: i wish you were a breatharian.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dicktionary? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
:Monigue says: yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
:Monigue says: but i don’t have any porn...in there.
:Tyler says: that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
:Tyler says: in a dictionary?
:Monigue says: no, that’s where i keep the porn.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' She knows where you live! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: is she still out there?
:Monigue says from offstage: yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
:Tyler says: clever.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
:Tyler says: seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: you could always talk to her yourself.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
:Monigue says from offstage: please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Dream of Weasleys '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
:Monigue says: hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: mmmm...harry potter.
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing but a hound dog '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
:Monigue says: uh huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
:Tyler says: i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Toilet Music '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
:Monigue says: i don’t know what you’re talking about.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
:Monigue says: there’s nothing scary about clown music.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
:Monigue says: clown’s are funny!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Boxcar Sally Gets Ridden Again '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! all aboard!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
television blares! huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
:Monigue says: what are you watching in there?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
television blares! ok, everybody out!
:Tyler says from offstage: some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Face on Mars '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.
:Monigue says: no kidding.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: if you thought mars was the god of war,....
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m already running!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Headphones '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.
:Monigue says: wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: music?
:Monigue says: oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,....
click
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Blackmail '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: have you been sending me blackmail again?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.
:Tyler says: oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thou shalt kneel before me '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?
:Tyler says: monique, noooo!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
pop!
:Tyler says: you know, this is all your fault monique.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Know You Know '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: yowser to the red monkey paste!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: do i want to know?
:Tyler says: chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: at least until next wednesday.
:Monigue says: tard.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Polar Bear '
written by
Dan
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: grrr
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: what the fuck was that?
:Monigue says: grrrrrrrrrrr
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Immelmann Turn '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: *sniff**sniff* that air freshener must finally be working. i can barely smell you.
:Tyler says: nah, i just found a cork with a good enough seal.
:Monigue says: you put a cork...? oh tyler, that’s just... why?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, you know that joke rodney rude does? "jeeze mate, that would have lifted a lighter man clear off his seat!"
:Monigue says: yes, unfortunately.
:Tyler says: i thought i’d test the theory out, mythbusters style. oh-oh...here we go.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
lift-off
:Monigue says: impressively aerobatic, if a little wiffy.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' 1984 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’ve been reading the novel ’1984’. it’s so cool. a dangerously beaurocratic future.
:Tyler says: war is peace.
:Tyler says: ignorance is strength.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: a sick and tired marriage is romance?
:Tyler says: i think that the tv show ’big brother’ could gain some inspiration from that book.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: how so?
:Tyler says: imagine that there was no eviction. just one day your roommate was ’vanished’, and never refered to again.
:Tyler says: ’this is big brother. there never was a sixth roommate. any memory you have of one must be false’
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Shocking '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: mmm..this licorice is really chewy.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: but hard and crunchy on the inside.
:Monigue says from offstage: why isn’t my computer working? hey! who took my extension cord?!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: oh god. at least this time it wasn’t plugged in.
:Tyler says: aah, refreshing.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
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