Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hightower!! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
:Monigue says: yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
:Tyler says: my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
:Monigue says: surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
:Tyler says: i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says from offstage: i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
:Tyler says: all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
:Monigue says from offstage: oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Karma '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you believe in karma?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
,Tyler query.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Magnets '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
:Monigue says: you’re a non-believer then?
:Tyler says: there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
that evening,..
:Tyler says from offstage: hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: my screenplay!!
:Monigue says: mmmm, i do feel better.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tyler, The Half Cut Prince. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
:Tyler says: i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
:Monigue says: ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
:Tyler says: do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Furries '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
:Monigue says: that’s,.. umm,.. research.
:Tyler says: huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
:Tyler says: fair enough,..
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
:Monigue says: ick!
:Tyler says: ,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pelé Would '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
:Monigue says: really? please excuse me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says from offstage: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: finished?
:Monigue says: for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Jeans '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
:Tyler says: $350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
:Tyler says: a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Nodding Budgie '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.,Tyler news.,Monique none.,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Beware the Gaz '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ok, your turn.
:Tyler says: i don’t think so.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mother was right?! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: fine, i was only kidding.
:Monigue says: damn straight.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: ahhhhh!
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
:Monigue says: oh yeah, that’s it baby.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pinky '
written by
Dan
bang!
:Monigue says from offstage: ow! fuck!!
:Tyler says: problem?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: i just slammed my pinky in the door.
:Tyler says: what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
:Tyler says: oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: finger,. my pinky finger.
:Tyler says: oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
:Monigue says: you’re such a fucking retard.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yesterday however... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ha! makes sense i guess.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
:Monigue says: this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
:Monigue says: i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pretty Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
:Tyler says: they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
c. why?
:Tyler says: it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i only saw one pair in the hamper.
:Tyler says: yes you did.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Neo Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: except for the fuglies of course.
:Monigue says: of course, neo greaseboy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wormhole '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
:Monigue says: borrowed?
:Tyler says: stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
ba-zit!
:Tyler says: oops.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: where the fuck am i?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
:Monigue says: wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
:Tyler says: what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i think i’m in the wrong place.
:Tyler says: here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
:Monigue says: i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
snatch
:Monigue says from offstage: i love you honey!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 2 '
written by
Dan
universe 0.328
:Tyler says: are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
:Monigue says: very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
:Monigue says: like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
:Tyler says: we’re both so lucky.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
meanwhile in our universe,..

(sans pants)
:Tyler says: *sob*
so,.. very,.. happy!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 3 '
written by
Dan
our universe
:Tyler says from offstage: okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
bash!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: eep!
:Tyler says from offstage: who said that?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no! no! noooooooooo!!!
:Tyler says from offstage: oh no!
:Monigue says: send me back, send me back!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Healthy Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: how long has it been since you washed your hair?
:Tyler says: a couple of months i guess.
:Monigue says: yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
:Monigue says: dead?
:Tyler says: hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
:Tyler says: in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
:Monigue says: which brings me to my next point.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saucy! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
:Tyler says: nah, she blew me off.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the saucy minx.
:Monigue says: in your dreams, monkey boy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Special Java '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
:Monigue says: it’s coffee, cow face.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: there’s coffee in my fly?
:Monigue says: no, a fly in your coffee.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
:Monigue says: nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' What’s up, pussy cat? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know...this coffee tastes weird.
:Tyler says: actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
meeeow!!
:Tyler says from offstage: aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wriggly Wormses '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: weh ith de mouthwath?!
:Monigue says: you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Breathe '
written by
Goatlord
grind
crunch
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
:Tyler says: it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
:Tyler says: service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
:Monigue says: i wish you were a breatharian.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dicktionary? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
:Monigue says: yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
:Monigue says: but i don’t have any porn...in there.
:Tyler says: that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
:Tyler says: in a dictionary?
:Monigue says: no, that’s where i keep the porn.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' She knows where you live! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: is she still out there?
:Monigue says from offstage: yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
:Tyler says: clever.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
:Tyler says: seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: you could always talk to her yourself.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
:Monigue says from offstage: please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Dream of Weasleys '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
:Monigue says: hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: mmmm...harry potter.
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing but a hound dog '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
:Monigue says: uh huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
:Tyler says: i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Toilet Music '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
:Monigue says: i don’t know what you’re talking about.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
:Monigue says: there’s nothing scary about clown music.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
:Monigue says: clown’s are funny!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Boxcar Sally Gets Ridden Again '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! all aboard!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
television blares! huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
:Monigue says: what are you watching in there?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
television blares! ok, everybody out!
:Tyler says from offstage: some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
Prev 100Prev 30Prev 7Prev DayNext DayNext 7Next 30Next 100
First ComicArchiveToday's ComicInvisible Spiders