Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It never gets old. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
:Monigue says: they say that?
:Tyler says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
:Tyler says: they say that?
:Monigue says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
:Monigue says: you never know.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' O’BRIEN! '
written by
Goatlord
thud
thud
thud
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
thud
smash
squeal
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
:Monigue says: i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Safety '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
:Tyler says: well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
:Tyler says: although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
the next day, a security solution is in place.
:Tyler says from offstage: hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
:Monigue says: have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, lord, no
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bad Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
:Monigue says: i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
:Tyler says: i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
:Tyler says: probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
:Tyler says: there’s 80 of them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! hi, therese?
:Tyler says: strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' News '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ick. there’s so much editorial biased crap in here. i don’t know why i read the newspaper at all.
:Tyler says: i know what you mean. i haven’t read the paper for years.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: you’re reading the paper right now.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, no. i’m just using it to shield myself from your hagrid face,...
:Tyler says: again,..
:Monigue says: wife kills husband then escapes to tropic island. hailed as hero by most
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Traditional Gender Roles '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: i’ve been thinking about buying one of those robot vaccum cleaners.
:Tyler says: oh?
:Monigue says: all you have to do is empty the dust bin.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: all i have to do? cleaning is a woman’s chore!
:Monigue says: oh, we’re traditional now? so you’re finally going to fix my car then?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: not likely. that’s a mechanic’s chore.
:Monigue says: and yours is?
:Tyler says: watching porn, mostly.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Decisions, Decisions. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: "it has been alleged in the ’dr death’ inquiry that a patient’s life support had been turned off because dr death needed the bed space."
:Tyler says: good for him, saving all those taxpayer dollars.
:Monigue says: tyler, that’s an incredibly heartless thing to say. what if it had been one of your relatives that he murdered?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ok, let me rephrase that.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Filing Cabinet '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: i can’t find my passport.
:Tyler says: it should be in the filing cabinet.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: aha! it’s probably in this folder marked ’monique’.
:Monigue says from offstage: hey, wait a second,..
:Monigue says from offstage: this is a file full of insults? are you keeping a file full of insults in reserve that you can use on me?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i guess i just put my spare time to good use.
:Monigue says from offstage: you are such a freak.
:Tyler says: and you are my muse.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Doh re me fa so la TIIIIIII! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: what are you doing tyler?
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
:Monigue says: the car guys yard?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
:Monigue says: unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
:Tyler says from offstage: funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
:Monigue says: i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Happy Place '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: hmmm.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: ahhh.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home!
:Monigue says: oh so close.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Rats '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ick! there are rat droppings in the house. you’re the one who insists on living in squalor, do something about it.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
the next morning
snap!
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaaagh! mother f,....
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.
:Monigue says from offstage: ,,.. ucker!!!!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hightower!! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
:Monigue says: yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
:Tyler says: my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
:Monigue says: surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
:Tyler says: i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says from offstage: i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
:Tyler says: all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
:Monigue says from offstage: oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Karma '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you believe in karma?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
,Tyler query.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Magnets '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
:Monigue says: you’re a non-believer then?
:Tyler says: there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
that evening,..
:Tyler says from offstage: hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: my screenplay!!
:Monigue says: mmmm, i do feel better.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tyler, The Half Cut Prince. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
:Tyler says: i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
:Monigue says: ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
:Tyler says: do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Furries '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
:Monigue says: that’s,.. umm,.. research.
:Tyler says: huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
:Tyler says: fair enough,..
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
:Monigue says: ick!
:Tyler says: ,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pelé Would '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
:Monigue says: really? please excuse me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says from offstage: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: finished?
:Monigue says: for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Jeans '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
:Tyler says: $350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
:Tyler says: a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Nodding Budgie '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.,Tyler news.,Monique none.,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Beware the Gaz '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ok, your turn.
:Tyler says: i don’t think so.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mother was right?! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: fine, i was only kidding.
:Monigue says: damn straight.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: ahhhhh!
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
:Monigue says: oh yeah, that’s it baby.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pinky '
written by
Dan
bang!
:Monigue says from offstage: ow! fuck!!
:Tyler says: problem?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: i just slammed my pinky in the door.
:Tyler says: what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
:Tyler says: oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: finger,. my pinky finger.
:Tyler says: oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
:Monigue says: you’re such a fucking retard.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yesterday however... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ha! makes sense i guess.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
:Monigue says: this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
:Monigue says: i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pretty Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
:Tyler says: they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
c. why?
:Tyler says: it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i only saw one pair in the hamper.
:Tyler says: yes you did.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Neo Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: except for the fuglies of course.
:Monigue says: of course, neo greaseboy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wormhole '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
:Monigue says: borrowed?
:Tyler says: stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
ba-zit!
:Tyler says: oops.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: where the fuck am i?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
:Monigue says: wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
:Tyler says: what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i think i’m in the wrong place.
:Tyler says: here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
:Monigue says: i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
snatch
:Monigue says from offstage: i love you honey!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 2 '
written by
Dan
universe 0.328
:Tyler says: are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
:Monigue says: very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
:Monigue says: like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
:Tyler says: we’re both so lucky.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
meanwhile in our universe,..

(sans pants)
:Tyler says: *sob*
so,.. very,.. happy!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 3 '
written by
Dan
our universe
:Tyler says from offstage: okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
bash!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: eep!
:Tyler says from offstage: who said that?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no! no! noooooooooo!!!
:Tyler says from offstage: oh no!
:Monigue says: send me back, send me back!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Healthy Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: how long has it been since you washed your hair?
:Tyler says: a couple of months i guess.
:Monigue says: yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
:Monigue says: dead?
:Tyler says: hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
:Tyler says: in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
:Monigue says: which brings me to my next point.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
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