Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bored '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m bored!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: well, why don’t you go into the garage and put the car back together.
:Tyler says: ,.. the car,... back,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: son of a,...
:Monigue says: i get bored too.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Time Travel '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m back.
:Monigue says: from where?
:Tyler says from offstage: time travelling.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what the hell are you talking about?
:Tyler says: i travelled back from the future.
:Monigue says: what? how far?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: about 45 seconds.
:Monigue says: you’re an idiot!
:Tyler says from offstage: that’s what you said last time. well, i’m off. seeya later,.. i mean,.. earlier.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We’re all Individuals '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.
:Tyler says: hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.
:Monigue says: bbq’s make you wonder?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.
:Monigue says: i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i guess so.
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Almighty D’oh! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i must say, i feel a little better about myself.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: then i locked my keys in the car.
:Tyler says: ha-ha.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' DNA '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: are you going to see the doctor about your back today?
:Tyler says: no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.
:Tyler says: i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.
:Monigue says: you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?
:Tyler says: i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Found Serenity '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i still can’t figure out how you threw your back out.
:Tyler says: it was just one of those freak "acts of god."
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: a likely story. when i found you prostrate on the office floor, it looked as if you’d been crawling away from the computer desk. i know that chair isn’t the most comfortable but.... you were jacking off to porn weren’t you?!
:Tyler says: it wasn’t porn. the trailer for the new firefly movie just came out and... i’m sure i wasn’t the only one.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: you sick little puppy. i am so getting my own keyboard and mouse.
:Tyler says from offstage: floating away...
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' No One Nose '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: moo.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cycling '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: maybe we could get fit by riding bikes.
:Tyler says: gosh! that takes me back. that last time i rode a bike was,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ,..oh, yes. my buck’s night.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: ah, the memories.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arfternoon Delight '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: how do you make a dog meow?
:Tyler says: put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
meeeeeeow!
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you thieved that from george smilovici.
:Tyler says: it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
woof
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hobbies '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
:Tyler says: much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
a week later
:Monigue says from offstage: it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: wait a second,...
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Kylie '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: well, she should have kept them out of the sun.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.
:Monigue says: ew!
:Tyler says: mmm, cancery!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mightier than the Sword '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ...she said what?
:Tyler says: "my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."
:Monigue says: that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.
:Monigue says: your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?
:Tyler says: you want to have a go at my artwork now?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.
:Tyler says: yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It never gets old. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
:Monigue says: they say that?
:Tyler says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
:Tyler says: they say that?
:Monigue says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
:Monigue says: you never know.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' O’BRIEN! '
written by
Goatlord
thud
thud
thud
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
thud
smash
squeal
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
:Monigue says: i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Safety '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
:Tyler says: well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
:Tyler says: although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
the next day, a security solution is in place.
:Tyler says from offstage: hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
:Monigue says: have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, lord, no
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bad Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
:Monigue says: i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
:Tyler says: i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
:Tyler says: probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
:Tyler says: there’s 80 of them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! hi, therese?
:Tyler says: strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' News '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ick. there’s so much editorial biased crap in here. i don’t know why i read the newspaper at all.
:Tyler says: i know what you mean. i haven’t read the paper for years.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: you’re reading the paper right now.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, no. i’m just using it to shield myself from your hagrid face,...
:Tyler says: again,..
:Monigue says: wife kills husband then escapes to tropic island. hailed as hero by most
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Traditional Gender Roles '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: i’ve been thinking about buying one of those robot vaccum cleaners.
:Tyler says: oh?
:Monigue says: all you have to do is empty the dust bin.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: all i have to do? cleaning is a woman’s chore!
:Monigue says: oh, we’re traditional now? so you’re finally going to fix my car then?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: not likely. that’s a mechanic’s chore.
:Monigue says: and yours is?
:Tyler says: watching porn, mostly.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Decisions, Decisions. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: "it has been alleged in the ’dr death’ inquiry that a patient’s life support had been turned off because dr death needed the bed space."
:Tyler says: good for him, saving all those taxpayer dollars.
:Monigue says: tyler, that’s an incredibly heartless thing to say. what if it had been one of your relatives that he murdered?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ok, let me rephrase that.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Filing Cabinet '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: i can’t find my passport.
:Tyler says: it should be in the filing cabinet.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: aha! it’s probably in this folder marked ’monique’.
:Monigue says from offstage: hey, wait a second,..
:Monigue says from offstage: this is a file full of insults? are you keeping a file full of insults in reserve that you can use on me?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i guess i just put my spare time to good use.
:Monigue says from offstage: you are such a freak.
:Tyler says: and you are my muse.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Doh re me fa so la TIIIIIII! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: what are you doing tyler?
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
:Monigue says: the car guys yard?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
:Monigue says: unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
:Tyler says from offstage: funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
:Monigue says: i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Happy Place '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: hmmm.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: ahhh.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home!
:Monigue says: oh so close.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Rats '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ick! there are rat droppings in the house. you’re the one who insists on living in squalor, do something about it.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
the next morning
snap!
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaaagh! mother f,....
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.
:Monigue says from offstage: ,,.. ucker!!!!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hightower!! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
:Monigue says: yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
:Tyler says: my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
:Monigue says: surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
:Tyler says: i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says from offstage: i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
:Tyler says: all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
:Monigue says from offstage: oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Karma '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you believe in karma?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
,Tyler query.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Magnets '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
:Monigue says: you’re a non-believer then?
:Tyler says: there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
that evening,..
:Tyler says from offstage: hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: my screenplay!!
:Monigue says: mmmm, i do feel better.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tyler, The Half Cut Prince. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
:Tyler says: i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
:Monigue says: ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
:Tyler says: do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Furries '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
:Monigue says: that’s,.. umm,.. research.
:Tyler says: huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
:Tyler says: fair enough,..
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
:Monigue says: ick!
:Tyler says: ,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pelé Would '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
:Monigue says: really? please excuse me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says from offstage: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: finished?
:Monigue says: for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Jeans '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
:Tyler says: $350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
:Tyler says: a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
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