Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fishing '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: well, i’m off fishing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: aren’t you a bit optimistic using those over-sized hooks?
:Tyler says from offstage: i just like a situation where those with the biggest mouths are punished.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what the hell is that supposed to mean?
:Tyler says from offstage: whoops! gotta go.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Eternal Sunshine '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: wasn’t ’eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ wonderful and romantic?
:Tyler says: meh!
:Monigue says: it just prompted such intriguing questions.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: meh!
:Monigue says: erasing memories. what a strange notion.
:Monigue says: hey tyler, what memories would you have deleted?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: this conversation would make a nice start.
:Monigue says: fucker!
:Tyler says: whoa! déjà vu!
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dugong '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaargh!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: you prick! you think it’s funny to replace my bathroom mirror with an aquarium containing a dugong?
:Tyler says: not as funny as the fact that it’s been there two days already.
:Monigue says: fuck you, tyler.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: ancient sailors mistook them for mermaids.
:Monigue says: blow me!
:Tyler says: big fat hairy mermaids.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says:
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: did you just say ’nothing’?
:Monigue says: i didn’t say anything.
:Tyler says: no, did you just say,. ’nothing’?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: the word ’nothing’?
:Tyler says: no damnit!! did you speak, but not say anything at all?
:Monigue says: start making sense baldy or i’m packing you off to a home.
,Tyler angry.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Refined, cold blooded, deliberate shenanigans '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: have the baskervilles moved in next door?
:Tyler says: i don’t believe so.
:Monigue says: well, i just...ah, i don’t suppose you know anything about the large, glowing canine next door?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: it’s funny you should mention that monique. when i was a young lad, my friend and i would delight in painting the neighbourhood pets all the colours of the rainbow.
:Tyler says: these days, however, i have many more years under the belt, a bigger bank account and access to a disgustingly large hardware store where i may purchase fluorescent spray paint and uv light globes to suit street lamps. the revolution starts here, baby!
:Monigue says: that’s really quite inventive tyler, but...
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ...but?
:Monigue says: i’m just trying to get past the fact you had a friend when you were young.
:Tyler says: i did give him half my pocket money every week.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' GM Herb Garden '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know how you said it was a mistake to plant a genetically modified herb garden?
:Monigue says: if i remember correctly, i told you that it was ’screwing with the laws of nature’.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i hate to say this, but i think you might have been right.
:Monigue says: well well well, so mister infallible has an archillies heel. so what brings this bout of ecological gallantry?
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyyyyy-leeeeerrr!
:Tyler says: maybe you should ask it.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Youth '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ,..then i’ve got an appointment at the solarium, then it’s off to the beauty parlor for a skin peel.
:Tyler says: point one, that’s the most retarded waste of time i’ve ever heard of.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: point two. what the hell are you trying to do recapture your youth? it’s not like you were that pretty then either.
:Monigue says: at least i don’t try to recapture someone else’s youth.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: good god! you let him go? i told you that o’donnally woman wasn’t getting her son back until she cleaned up her footpath!!
:Monigue says: three words tyler.
crime. against. humanity.
:Tyler says from offstage: you’ll make us look soft. now, where did i put my taser.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Trip '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you’re back?
:Monigue says: yeah, why are you so surprised?
:Tyler says: oh, no reason. so how was your boogy-boarding holiday to indonesia?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: good, except my boogy board got mixed up with someone else’s on the trip. i seem to have someone’s called ’schapelle corby’.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: so, what’s in the news back here in australia?
:Tyler says: oh, nothing,... nothing at all.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bored '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m bored!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: well, why don’t you go into the garage and put the car back together.
:Tyler says: ,.. the car,... back,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: son of a,...
:Monigue says: i get bored too.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Time Travel '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m back.
:Monigue says: from where?
:Tyler says from offstage: time travelling.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what the hell are you talking about?
:Tyler says: i travelled back from the future.
:Monigue says: what? how far?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: about 45 seconds.
:Monigue says: you’re an idiot!
:Tyler says from offstage: that’s what you said last time. well, i’m off. seeya later,.. i mean,.. earlier.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We’re all Individuals '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.
:Tyler says: hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.
:Monigue says: bbq’s make you wonder?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.
:Monigue says: i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i guess so.
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Almighty D’oh! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i must say, i feel a little better about myself.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: then i locked my keys in the car.
:Tyler says: ha-ha.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' DNA '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: are you going to see the doctor about your back today?
:Tyler says: no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.
:Tyler says: i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.
:Monigue says: you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?
:Tyler says: i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Found Serenity '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i still can’t figure out how you threw your back out.
:Tyler says: it was just one of those freak "acts of god."
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: a likely story. when i found you prostrate on the office floor, it looked as if you’d been crawling away from the computer desk. i know that chair isn’t the most comfortable but.... you were jacking off to porn weren’t you?!
:Tyler says: it wasn’t porn. the trailer for the new firefly movie just came out and... i’m sure i wasn’t the only one.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: you sick little puppy. i am so getting my own keyboard and mouse.
:Tyler says from offstage: floating away...
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' No One Nose '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: moo.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cycling '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: maybe we could get fit by riding bikes.
:Tyler says: gosh! that takes me back. that last time i rode a bike was,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ,..oh, yes. my buck’s night.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: ah, the memories.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arfternoon Delight '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: how do you make a dog meow?
:Tyler says: put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
meeeeeeow!
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you thieved that from george smilovici.
:Tyler says: it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
woof
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hobbies '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
:Tyler says: much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
a week later
:Monigue says from offstage: it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: wait a second,...
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Kylie '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: well, she should have kept them out of the sun.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.
:Monigue says: ew!
:Tyler says: mmm, cancery!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mightier than the Sword '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ...she said what?
:Tyler says: "my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."
:Monigue says: that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.
:Monigue says: your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?
:Tyler says: you want to have a go at my artwork now?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.
:Tyler says: yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It never gets old. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
:Monigue says: they say that?
:Tyler says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
:Tyler says: they say that?
:Monigue says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
:Monigue says: you never know.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' O’BRIEN! '
written by
Goatlord
thud
thud
thud
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
thud
smash
squeal
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
:Monigue says: i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Safety '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
:Tyler says: well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
:Tyler says: although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
the next day, a security solution is in place.
:Tyler says from offstage: hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
:Monigue says: have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, lord, no
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bad Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
:Monigue says: i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
:Tyler says: i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
:Tyler says: probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
:Tyler says: there’s 80 of them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! hi, therese?
:Tyler says: strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' News '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ick. there’s so much editorial biased crap in here. i don’t know why i read the newspaper at all.
:Tyler says: i know what you mean. i haven’t read the paper for years.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: you’re reading the paper right now.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, no. i’m just using it to shield myself from your hagrid face,...
:Tyler says: again,..
:Monigue says: wife kills husband then escapes to tropic island. hailed as hero by most
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Traditional Gender Roles '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: i’ve been thinking about buying one of those robot vaccum cleaners.
:Tyler says: oh?
:Monigue says: all you have to do is empty the dust bin.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: all i have to do? cleaning is a woman’s chore!
:Monigue says: oh, we’re traditional now? so you’re finally going to fix my car then?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: not likely. that’s a mechanic’s chore.
:Monigue says: and yours is?
:Tyler says: watching porn, mostly.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Decisions, Decisions. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: "it has been alleged in the ’dr death’ inquiry that a patient’s life support had been turned off because dr death needed the bed space."
:Tyler says: good for him, saving all those taxpayer dollars.
:Monigue says: tyler, that’s an incredibly heartless thing to say. what if it had been one of your relatives that he murdered?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ok, let me rephrase that.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Filing Cabinet '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: i can’t find my passport.
:Tyler says: it should be in the filing cabinet.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: aha! it’s probably in this folder marked ’monique’.
:Monigue says from offstage: hey, wait a second,..
:Monigue says from offstage: this is a file full of insults? are you keeping a file full of insults in reserve that you can use on me?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i guess i just put my spare time to good use.
:Monigue says from offstage: you are such a freak.
:Tyler says: and you are my muse.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Doh re me fa so la TIIIIIII! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: what are you doing tyler?
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
:Monigue says: the car guys yard?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
:Monigue says: unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
:Tyler says from offstage: funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
:Monigue says: i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Happy Place '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: hmmm.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: ahhh.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home!
:Monigue says: oh so close.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
Prev 100Prev 30Prev 7Prev DayNext DayNext 7Next 30Next 100
First ComicArchiveToday's ComicInvisible Spiders