Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Chipper '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: singing!
:Monigue says: you’re chipper!
:Tyler says: my chipper?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you are chipper
:Tyler says: oh! well, i figured out the solution to a problem that has been bothering me.
:Monigue says: what was the solution?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: my chipper.
:Monigue says: what was the problem?
:Tyler says: it’s probably best you don’t ask.
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Choke the Chicken '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you work in the movie business, right?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: yeah, well y’know when you need animals on set, they have to come with trainers or "wranglers?"
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: if you needed a bunch of roosters for a scene would the trainer be called a, "cock wrangler?"
:Monigue says: i don’t know, grease boy, you tell me.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bang! Pop! '
written by
Dan
bang!
pop!
fzzztgrgle!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: well, i’m going to go to the computer store.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thanks for the Mammaries '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: can i fondle your breasts?
:Monigue says: excuse me?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i’m bored.
:Monigue says: fondle your own.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well...i guess they are of a similar size.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Schrodinger’s Friend '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you know your friend alex?
:Tyler says: the quantum theorist?
:Monigue says: that’s the one.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: sometimes he’s a really pleasant chap,..
:Monigue says: but sometimes he comes across as a power hungry machivalian arse-clown.
:Monigue says: you’ve known this quantum theorist longer. which is he?
,Tyler silent.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: indeterminate!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It must be Thursday '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m an emotional rag. the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is released this thursday. i’ve been waiting for this film for so long. my expectations don’t know what to do.
:Tyler says: i’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and i’ll be let down by the film, but,..
:Tyler says: then i think that i’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: but then my expectations to hate it will mean that i’ll be pleasantly surprised when i actually see it,..
:Tyler says: so now i’m looking forward to it again,.. so my expectations are high,..
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i hear it’s pretty good.
:Tyler says: aaaaaarghh!!!!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaantss '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’m not wearing any pants.
:Monigue says: good thing i superglued your ass to that chair then.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ah. so you did. and not just my ass, it appears.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants II '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says from offstage: i’m off to the mall! there’s a sale on shoes.
:Tyler says: bugger. stupid glue.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: if only i were more flexible.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants III '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
slam! crash!
:Tyler says: it’s about time you got home! there seems to have been some glue on the table...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ¿que?
:Tyler says: ...monique?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants IV '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: um, look señor, i don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here but you’ve got to help me man.
:Monigue says from offstage: ¿usted está bien, hombre?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i need some solvent. metho, vodka, anything.
:Monigue says from offstage: mi amigo, los genitales son vinculados muy a esa silla
:Monigue says from offstage: bien, yo no soy interesado en actos sexuales extraños, yo ahora saldré con esta máquina de dvd.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: please,.. you’ve got to,.. hey! are you stealing my dvd player?
:Monigue says from offstage: bueno adiós, hombre
:Tyler says: noooooooo!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pop! Goes the Weasel '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: apparently, my boss is getting some serious grief from a rival "gun shop." he’s given all employees some special, "home protection."
:Monigue says: a gun! you’ve brought a firearm into this house?!
:Tyler says: it’s ok monique, i’ll have it on me at all times. see, it’s tucked into my pan...
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
bang
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i’m ok.
:Monigue says: careful there tyler, you don’t want to go off half-cocked.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Editor '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i can’t believe i’m so disappointed with the hitchhiker’s movie. the editing was,.. was,..
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: you really had a lot resting on that movie didn’t you? i almost feel bad for my part in the selection of the editor.
:Tyler says: you chose the editor?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: ’chose’ is probably the wrong word for a process involving tequila and a blindfold.
,Tyler angry.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fishing '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: well, i’m off fishing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: aren’t you a bit optimistic using those over-sized hooks?
:Tyler says from offstage: i just like a situation where those with the biggest mouths are punished.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what the hell is that supposed to mean?
:Tyler says from offstage: whoops! gotta go.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Eternal Sunshine '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: wasn’t ’eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ wonderful and romantic?
:Tyler says: meh!
:Monigue says: it just prompted such intriguing questions.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: meh!
:Monigue says: erasing memories. what a strange notion.
:Monigue says: hey tyler, what memories would you have deleted?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: this conversation would make a nice start.
:Monigue says: fucker!
:Tyler says: whoa! déjà vu!
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dugong '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaargh!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: you prick! you think it’s funny to replace my bathroom mirror with an aquarium containing a dugong?
:Tyler says: not as funny as the fact that it’s been there two days already.
:Monigue says: fuck you, tyler.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: ancient sailors mistook them for mermaids.
:Monigue says: blow me!
:Tyler says: big fat hairy mermaids.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says:
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: did you just say ’nothing’?
:Monigue says: i didn’t say anything.
:Tyler says: no, did you just say,. ’nothing’?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: the word ’nothing’?
:Tyler says: no damnit!! did you speak, but not say anything at all?
:Monigue says: start making sense baldy or i’m packing you off to a home.
,Tyler angry.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Refined, cold blooded, deliberate shenanigans '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: have the baskervilles moved in next door?
:Tyler says: i don’t believe so.
:Monigue says: well, i just...ah, i don’t suppose you know anything about the large, glowing canine next door?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: it’s funny you should mention that monique. when i was a young lad, my friend and i would delight in painting the neighbourhood pets all the colours of the rainbow.
:Tyler says: these days, however, i have many more years under the belt, a bigger bank account and access to a disgustingly large hardware store where i may purchase fluorescent spray paint and uv light globes to suit street lamps. the revolution starts here, baby!
:Monigue says: that’s really quite inventive tyler, but...
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ...but?
:Monigue says: i’m just trying to get past the fact you had a friend when you were young.
:Tyler says: i did give him half my pocket money every week.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' GM Herb Garden '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know how you said it was a mistake to plant a genetically modified herb garden?
:Monigue says: if i remember correctly, i told you that it was ’screwing with the laws of nature’.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i hate to say this, but i think you might have been right.
:Monigue says: well well well, so mister infallible has an archillies heel. so what brings this bout of ecological gallantry?
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyyyyy-leeeeerrr!
:Tyler says: maybe you should ask it.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Youth '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ,..then i’ve got an appointment at the solarium, then it’s off to the beauty parlor for a skin peel.
:Tyler says: point one, that’s the most retarded waste of time i’ve ever heard of.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: point two. what the hell are you trying to do recapture your youth? it’s not like you were that pretty then either.
:Monigue says: at least i don’t try to recapture someone else’s youth.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: good god! you let him go? i told you that o’donnally woman wasn’t getting her son back until she cleaned up her footpath!!
:Monigue says: three words tyler.
crime. against. humanity.
:Tyler says from offstage: you’ll make us look soft. now, where did i put my taser.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Trip '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you’re back?
:Monigue says: yeah, why are you so surprised?
:Tyler says: oh, no reason. so how was your boogy-boarding holiday to indonesia?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: good, except my boogy board got mixed up with someone else’s on the trip. i seem to have someone’s called ’schapelle corby’.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: so, what’s in the news back here in australia?
:Tyler says: oh, nothing,... nothing at all.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bored '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m bored!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: well, why don’t you go into the garage and put the car back together.
:Tyler says: ,.. the car,... back,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: son of a,...
:Monigue says: i get bored too.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Time Travel '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m back.
:Monigue says: from where?
:Tyler says from offstage: time travelling.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what the hell are you talking about?
:Tyler says: i travelled back from the future.
:Monigue says: what? how far?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: about 45 seconds.
:Monigue says: you’re an idiot!
:Tyler says from offstage: that’s what you said last time. well, i’m off. seeya later,.. i mean,.. earlier.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We’re all Individuals '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.
:Tyler says: hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.
:Monigue says: bbq’s make you wonder?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.
:Monigue says: i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i guess so.
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Almighty D’oh! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i must say, i feel a little better about myself.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: then i locked my keys in the car.
:Tyler says: ha-ha.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' DNA '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: are you going to see the doctor about your back today?
:Tyler says: no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.
:Tyler says: i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.
:Monigue says: you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?
:Tyler says: i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Found Serenity '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i still can’t figure out how you threw your back out.
:Tyler says: it was just one of those freak "acts of god."
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: a likely story. when i found you prostrate on the office floor, it looked as if you’d been crawling away from the computer desk. i know that chair isn’t the most comfortable but.... you were jacking off to porn weren’t you?!
:Tyler says: it wasn’t porn. the trailer for the new firefly movie just came out and... i’m sure i wasn’t the only one.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: you sick little puppy. i am so getting my own keyboard and mouse.
:Tyler says from offstage: floating away...
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' No One Nose '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: moo.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cycling '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: maybe we could get fit by riding bikes.
:Tyler says: gosh! that takes me back. that last time i rode a bike was,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ,..oh, yes. my buck’s night.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: ah, the memories.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arfternoon Delight '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: how do you make a dog meow?
:Tyler says: put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
meeeeeeow!
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you thieved that from george smilovici.
:Tyler says: it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
woof
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hobbies '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
:Tyler says: much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
a week later
:Monigue says from offstage: it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: wait a second,...
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
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