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Help me to remember when I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, that it takes:-
42 muscles to frown
28 muscles to smile
And only four muscles to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth





As suspicious as a monk on a nunnery wall at midnight with a jug of sacrimental wine and a box of condoms





Daughter: Dad, have you had a hair cut?

Dad: Yes Several.





What ticks on the wall?

Ticky-tape.





A prayer for the stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those that I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.



submitted by Luke Rimmelzwaan

There is no experiance more relieving than washing off a litre and a half of cheap Tomato Sauce. I CUt two holes in a big piece of card and stuck my head and hand up through them. Then I got Al to cover me with sauce and take the photo. THe most painful part of this joke was the cleanup that I had to do after it. Tomato sauce gets EVERYWHERE!! and it is tricky to find on a cork floor.

I was somewhat concerned about the waste of food. I know that my Dad would go rank if he found out that I'd wasted a litre and a half of tomato sauce when there are starving children in Iraqistan. So I scraped all of the sauce back into the bottle and sent it to them.

This photo involved some photo manipulation. The original photo can be seen here

As a side note my Dad has actually said this exact line to my younger brother on several occasions.

Dad:
Do you want anymore pie with your tomato sauce?
(usually accompanied with a nudge in the arm)



Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.





What is the shortest poem in the world?

'Fleas'
'Adam had 'em.'





'Dad, are we going straight home?'

'No son, we're going to turn some corners'




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dan@invisiblespiders.com